The Different Type of Friends There Are
The Best Friend. This kind of friend is your nonromantic soulmate. You do everything together and can talk about ingrown hairs without getting grossed out. This is the most important kind of friend to have, for obvious reasons. This person can be your greatest link to reality when you ask them if the really weird embarassing think you do all the time is crazy or something everyone does and no one talks about. You can also get sex tips, have someone pick you up when your car breaks, and know that you’ll never have to be alone when you’re bumming hard.
The Party Friend. This is the kind of friend you aren’t close with but love to be around in increments of five hours. Sometimes you wonder what they are like sober, when they are doing mundane tasks like flossing. Surely their sequined tank never comes off, surely they are never *not* the life of the party. They probably throw up in the trash can at the DMV (via hangover).
The Married Friend. This kind of friend is a good self esteem boost because they will fawn over you. Hanging out with a single person is like vacation for a married person because they get to live vicariously through you and remember what it was like to be interesting. They probably know how to cook well by this point, and have actual matching dishes and cloth napkins. Occasionally you’ll have to earn your keep with this friend by attending mundane events like baby showers and trips to Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Starbucks but it trickles down in free dinners/compliments.
The Sad, Single Friend.
Location, Location, Location
When I said I liked it rough, I meant in bed, not on my heart.
Irish Drinking Toast
May those who love us love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we’ll know them by their limping!<3
(Source: irish.spike-jamie.com)
